A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II

March 9th, 2005 at 10:19 pm (Humor, East Tennessee and The South, Travel)

Update to the upcoming Southern Marinated Vacation. (I don’t like the title, either. Email me and suggest something better.)

Like I said earlier, we’ve got the cabin. But what are we going to do? How about hiking? Well, maybe not:

GATLINBURG, Tenn. Mar 9, 2005 — Park rangers rescued four hikers Wednesday who had become stranded in snow in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. One had to be airlifted to a hospital.

The sick hiker, Matthew Shultz, was in good condition after he was taken to the hospital as a precaution, Great Smoky Mountains National Park spokesman Bob Miller said. He had been showing signs of hypothermia, including vomiting and slurred speech.

. . . .

The men started out during good weather Sunday with plans to hike the 71 miles of the Appalachian Trail in the park.

However, they were ill-equipped when rain started falling Monday and then turned to snow, authorities said.

The hikers in that story were apparently not aware of the degree of East Tennessee’s topographical diversity. Visitors often guffaw when all the schools close at the first sign of a snowflake. But the next hill over may be another 1,000 feet higher, and they may get six inches.

Apologies to poor Mr. Schultz, whose diagnosis of hypothermia was probably not so amusing to him, but I wondered if he wasn’t just enjoying the Tennessee high life. Vomiting? It’s flu season, after all. Slurred speech? Moonshine. Have I made my case?

Okay, so enough of that. What are we going to do for the Southern Fried Vacation? (No, title still not quite right. I mean it. Email me.) I mean what do you do if you’re not in the mood for vomiting and slurred speech? Here’s a few ideas:

You really can’t visit East Tennessee with children and not go to Dollywood. Okay, the idea initially conjures up images of, well, first it conjures up images of Dolly’s uh, topographical diversity, but after that admit it, y’all are thinking we’re paying cash money to ride pigs. But it’s really a great amusement park. The rides are great, the shows are great, the park is beautiful (trees everywhere), and the environment is as family- and Christian- friendly as I have ever experienced (it has a dress code!). And we don’t ride pigs, we eat them. Which, by the way, just shows our daily support for the annual Eat an Animal for PETA Day.

Dolly has also recently opened Splash Country. We haven’t been there yet, but it looks great, and based on our substantial experience with Dollywood, I’m sure it’s well done.

By the way, if you’re interested, pre-season prices are in effect through March 20, 2005.

Dolly is somehow affiliated with Dixie Stampede. Oh, here’s the connection. Should be fun for anyone who likes horses and food. We’ve been there once, and yes, they make you eat with your fingers, but that’s only so people don’t throw flatware at the stallions. When we went a couple of years ago, I scored a point for the South (or maybe it was the North) in horseshoes. Well, actually, I beat the Yankee (or the Fine Southern Gentleman) at pitching toilet seats toward a pole in the middle of the arena. As a general rule, never challenge me when it comes to anything toilet-related.

And then there’s the Comedy Barn, which looks like a family-friendly comedy theater disguised as a, well, a barn. And their web site features an interactive pig, which by itself is reason to give them money.

One final idea for now: The Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant. Apple Juleps, Apple Fritters, Apple Butter, other apple-related foodstuffs. You can also have pig. And you have to eat there because it was founded by, ready for this, the Hicks family! Really!

So, now I’m calling on all of my adopted family and friends who are actually from around here, to suggest some more places to go and some more totally-Southern things to do. I’ll post again on this topic after I consult with our brilliant (and I’m not joking about that) C.F.O., Larry Linville, who once came into my office and said, “Joel, rekkin azaka flar maykeh beeg beeskit?”

He’s from Erwin, where they once hung an elephant.