The Sundry Perils of Bunk-Bedding: Update II
Having escaped death and serious bodily injury during the construction phase, and having avoided measurable brain damage (or having suffered such significant brain damage that I am blissfully unaware of it) during the priming phase, we now tackle Stage III: Painting.
Now you would think that painting is a relatively safe activity, but in actuality it presents significant opportunity for permanent psychological impairment. Allow me to illustrate:
Since Angela and I both like the Abbyville’s standard paint job as shown on the playhousedesigns.com website, we start with the yellow base coat:
So far, so good. Just trying to mimic a picture.
But then we start thinking, which is often a mistake in our house.
Angela asks, “What color should we paint the walls?” And by asking, she of course is judging my devotion to her by my ability to guess her preferences and pretend that they’re mine.
And let me digress for a second. At the time, this really seemed like a simple question. I mean, really, how many colors are there? Seven, right? ROY G BIV. Red, orange (Go Big Orange!), yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Seven colors. And I am pretty familiar with these colors, with the exception of indigo, which I believe is the name of a chain of convenient stores in Southern Asia.
Hold on. Slappy’s asking me to assist her with a band aid because she has a dot on her thumb.
Okay, crisis averted. Now where was I? Oh, how hard can it be to just pick one of seven colors and paint? And yes, I realize that colors come in different shades. But light, dark, and in-the-middle is about as complicated as I get.
So, professing a sincere desire to assist my wife in the finer details of color selection, I power up Punch! Master Landscape to help us make the best choice. Of course, I really just want to mess around with the computer, but the program does provide some assistance.
We narrow the color choice down to either blue:
or pink, which confuses me because it isn’t one of the seven ROY G BIV colors:
After only a few short hours of examining the two pictures above, we decide to go with blue.
So blue it is. Easy enough, right? I immediately start thinking (and remember the usual consequence of such behavior in my household), “I get a gallon of blue at Home Depot, slap it on with a brush (or a roller, if I’m feeling particularly ambitious), and then nap while it dries. When I wake, I got me some fine blue walls, and we’re done with the whole project.”
Angela has other ideas. Lots of them. The wife of my youth embarks on what turns out to be a fortnight-long process of self-torment, contemplating in excruciating detail each and every conceivable combination of color, shade, sheen, and technique.
I’ll spare you most of the details, but here’s just a brief glimpse of the agony: The Behr website (which, I feel compelled to point out, is only one of many companies specializing in paint) color-browser has 7 basic blues: Pageant Song, Anenome, Bayou, Costa Rica Blue, Azurean, Water Flow, and Jamaican Sea. I feel warm just typing the names. Each of these starter blues can be “fine-tuned” by making it lighter, darker, “more muted,” or “less muted.” (I sometimes wish our children had a “more muted” option.) Anyway, there are typically several degrees by which a starter blue can be fine-tuned. For example, Costa Rica Blue can be made “more muted” by six degrees. It can be “lightened” by three degrees and “darkened” by three degrees. I tried to determine just how many variations of Costa Rica Blue there are, but quite frankly, I got lost chasing down the color-browser’s varied paths of mutation and hue and couldn’t find my way back to basic (basic?!) Costa Rica Blue. Oh, and it involved thinking, and you know how I feel about that.
So, let’s just say that there are 50 variations of Costa Rica Blue. And from this point on, all estimates will be conservative. And let’s say that each of the other starter blues — Pageant Song, Anemone, Bayou, Azurean, Water Flow, and Jamaican Sea (ooh, I suddenly feel an inexplicable desire for a tropical holiday) — also has 50 variations. So we have 350 shades to choose from.
Of blue.
From Behr.
“And what about sheen?” Angela asks. And again I fail to comprehend the true complexity of the question. I mentally flip a coin. “Uh, sheen. Sheen would be good, right?”
But to sheen or not to sheen is not the question. The right answer is apparently one of the following: flat, flat-enamel, eggshell, satin, semi-gloss, or high-gloss.
So each of the 350 blues comes in six sheens, and that’s what, 2100 blues? Conservatively.
But wait, there’s more! There’s Inspiration! AKA technique: Sandwashing, Venetian plaster, sponging on, sponging off, ragging on, ragging off, colorwashing, dragging, crackle, Pearlescents, and one other that I can’t list because Netnanny considers it an unsavory term. But anyway, 11 “techniques.” So, let’s see . . . 23,100 blues.
So we’ve got the blues.
And here I’m shifting to past tense, so don’t freak out. We decided on a base coat of satin applied with a ragging off technique. The two color combination we actually used is a closely guarded trade secret, which we will not divulge except under threat of death or torture. (You know, like somebody threatening to make us paint or something.) But here’s a hint.
Here’s the room after the first coat of blue, but because the picture was taken at night, the blue looks much darker than it really is:
And then things got really hectic for about a week, as we engaged in a frenzied flurry of activity to get the bunk beds and the rest of the room done prior to the arrival of out-of-town guests. Slappy complicated matters by regularly touching recently painted surfaces and then trolling all through the house, pausing only to pee on the sofa once in awhile.
In the meantime, we received the custom-made foam mattress. Angela said it was wrapped extensively with packing material resembling Saran Wrap, which I thought was just hilarious. I mean, the mattress itself is basically packing material. (Angela pointed out that they probably didn’t want anything to puncture the mattress, but that’s just not as funny.) Anyway, we put the mattress in the loft and used the cling wrap to fasten Slappy to the kitchen table.
In the chaos, I stopped blogging and taking pictures, so I don’t have a record of the steps taken to this point (those documents have been shredded). But, as you can see, we “antiqued” the bunk beds and put on the shutters, molding, and part of the shingles (actually, they’re cedar shakes).
The jury’s still out on the shakes. We may take them off and just paint the roof. And we still have the hand-painting to do (which will be done by Angela’s sister, Pam Heikkila, who owns and operates a fine art photography studio in Farmington, Minnesota), but at least we got to the point where the kids could sleep in their own room instead of on the air mattress in the basement.
And they were pretty excited:
By the way, Slappy thwarted her parents’ attempt to bind her to the dinnner table with kitchen supplies. And she’s excited about that, too.
For the final installment of The Sundry Perils of Bunk-Bedding, go here.
