This here’s the Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 Tentative Schedule. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.
It’s a vacation! Relax.
Day 1 — Arrival
Get to the Mountain Spirit at Shagbark Resort in Pigeon Forge, TN sometime after 4:00. Proceed to chill. Maybe stock up on some vittles. If you’re just wanting gas or snacks, you should go to either Weigel’s, an East Tennessee original, or Pilot, now based in Knoxville. For a bigger selection, we do have actual grocery stores. Alas, there is no Piggly Wiggly in or around Pigeon Forge, so you’ll have to make do with “the Kroger.”
Eat pig parts. Argue about schedule for upcoming week.
Start the week off right by eating some pig parts for breakfast. You should probably include some biscuits, too, just to fit in. If you’re really feeling it, slop some gravy on there.
Dollywood opens at 10:00 and closes at 7:00, but you can get there a bit early and catch an early ride on the tram to get a jump on things. Say howdy to Stumpy the tram driver if you’re lucky enough to get him.
Once inside, go immediately to the Dollywood Express Train Depot, if you or your youngin’s are into trains, and make an appointment to ride with the engineer later in the day:
Dollywood Express — The engineer sounds the whistle and your mountain excursion is under way. Our authentic 110-ton coal-fired steam engine takes you on a breathtaking five-mile journey through the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains where you’ll enjoy pastoral scenery and some of the most beautiful views that nature has to offer.
Then (or otherwise), head to the most popular rides and get as many in as you can before the crowds pick up. You can take the youngin’s to the County Fair area, where there’s a whole bunch of rides and stuff for the little ones. There are also also rides for older kids and folks here, too. But try to squeeze in as many of the following big-time rides as you can before lunch.
Don’t Miss Rides
The Thunderhead® — An old sawmill once moved lumber out of the mountains at Thunderhead Gap. Wood is still the focus, but now the operation known as the Thunderhead is the wildest ride in the woods! Carefully situated between two mountains, this massive wooden coaster stands tall among the mighty trees and takes advantage of the area’s rough and tumble terrain to create a daring ride featuring a 100-foot drop and a top speed of 55 mph.
Blazing Fury — A fire is just minutes away from engulfing this 1880s town. If you choose to ride, you’re instantly recruited to battle this mighty blaze. Help calm the chaos as you climb aboard this indoor roller coaster that screams through town taking each hill and every curve with great speed. Soon, it’s apparent that the only way to douse the flames is water—and plenty of it!
It might be best to wait on these until a bit later in the day — when it’s warmer and when you don’t have to walk around in sloshing britches for as long. Then again, the lines are a bit longer then, too.
Daredevil Falls — Only a real daredevil will venture into an abandoned logging camp for a one-of-a-kind boat expedition. If you’re up to the challenge, let our adventurous guides help you navigate your way through some close calls with the bears and the old left behind lumber machinery. But, just when you catch your breath, your boat careens over a waterfall down a 60-foot drop at a heart-racing 60 mph!
Smoky Mountain River Rampage — It’s Dollywood’s own Smoky Mountain white water rafting adventure, full of exciting dips, twists and turns. Each raft ride is a unique experience as you brave the rapids, but the white water leaves no passenger untouched. Count on a good soaking!
Mountain Slidewinder — The Mountain Slidewinder is situated in an authentic mountain setting. You’ll climb through the actual mountain terrain to board this water toboggan thriller that literally slides down the mountainside along high-banked curves at breathtaking speeds. Let there be no doubt: you will get wet on this ride!
Lunchtime
Don’t eat lunch at lunch time because everybody eats lunch at lunch time. Instead, around noon, have a snack. Try the fried green tomatoes. Or the pork rinds. Or the sweet kettle corn. Or the deep fried twinkie. You get the idea. Snack up and get in line for a water ride (save the soakers like the Slidewinder and the River Rampage for later) while everybody else is in line to eat.
Afternoon
Okay, now that you’re wet, you should go find a place to sit in the sun where you can dry out and feed your face. I like The Hickory House BBQ, and Angela likes Apple Jack’s Sandwich Shop. For some bonus fun at no additional cost, stand back and watch us resolve this matter. The kids might prefer Red’s Diner (a Fifties burger and a shake place) or Victoria’s Pizza.
After eating, catch one of the shows:
Don’t Miss Shows
Heartsong® — In this multi-sensory film experience, Dolly Parton takes you on a breathtaking journey through the Great Smoky Mountains as she shares her story about a place very near and dear to her heart.
Kingdom Heirs — It’s southern gospel music at its finest as Dollywood’s own award-winning quartet the Kingdom Heirs lift your spirits with beautiful four-part harmonies as they sing ageless gospel standards along with their own chart-topping hits.
After that, take a trip on the Dollywood Express and catch David Tallent’s Magic Show afterwards. The magic show is really just a commercial for the magic store, but it’s entertaining nonetheless. Have one of the kids sit in the front row, stage right. And then watch out for Rascal. He’s a . . . rascal.
At some point, you should take the littlest ones to the Treehouse:
Let your imagination run wild as you explore America’s largest interactive treehouse full of kid-powered games, gadgets, and gizmos for all ages. Discover what’s abuzz in the three-level Beehive featuring 50,000 foam “bee” balls or cool off with jumping fountains and water blasters in Bullfrog Creek.
Most of all, though, take your time and stop to enjoy all of the gems scattered about along the way. When it’s close to closing time, decide whether you want to take advantage of the price break for adding a second day to your ticket. Then try to find Stumpy and get a ride back to your car.
Dinner Time
Before heading back to the Mountain Spirit, head to the Applewood Farmhouse Grill:
A long time ago Apple Valley Road, which runs along-side Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant was the main road between Sevierville and Gatlinburg. Across the river, you can still see the faint tracks where horse-drawn wagons forded the Little Pigeon River. The original farmhouse on this site burned, and in 1921 was replaced by a six-room house, which stands as the centerpiece of the restaurant. You can still see the wonderful built-in oak furniture in the original dining and living room.
In 1972, the Bon Hicks family and the Bill Kilpatrick family bought the 65 acre property from Roger Mullendore and operated it as a beef cattle and burley tobacco farm until 1976-1978 when they started to put it into apple orchards.In 1986, the Hicks and the Kilpatricks called upon Stokely Hospitality Enterprises which manages Gatlinburg’s finest restaurants like the Burning Bush and the Brass Lantern to create Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant by expanding the original farmhouse. Surrounded by orchards, you will find that the “Apple is King.” The story doesn’t end there because the fruits of that orchard also included the addition of The Applewood Farmhouse Grill, where you can taste the tradition.
Here’s the menu.
Now. Back to the Mountain Spirit for some home-spun fun and games.
And sleep.
Lots of sleep.
After all, tomorrow’s another day.
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
Hey! Hire yew?
Less than a week to Hillbilly Holiday, 2005. You should continue marinating in the sweet sounds of the South in the Required Listening post and continue working your way through some of the movies and t.v. shows listed in the Required Viewing posts. And in a few short days you should begin salivating in contemplation of the consumption of the foods described in the Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee post.
You’ll also need to get your ears fine-tuned a bit so you can understand the folks when you get here. There’s nothing cooler than Southern colloquialisms delivered in a sweet southern drawl, and you can get your fill of such things during your trip to East Tennessee, if you’re paying attention and you got the ear for it.
Remember Ebonics? Well somebody took up the idea and applied to the south, just for fun. It’s Y’allbonics!
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner.”
OHL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts ohl in my pickup truck.”
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ARE!”
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
FAHT - (noun), (verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep faht’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RAHTS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to faht for are rahts.”
CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: “Just set that bare raht cheer”.
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the ohl in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: “I couldn’t unnerstand a word he said … must be from some farn country.”
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
HAZE - A contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is lahf.”
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Greeting.
Usage: “Hey, hire yew?”
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) Contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t heard from him in munts.”
RANCH - (noun)- Tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: “My grampa retard at age 65.”
SEED -(verb) - Past tense of “to see”.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City”.
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
VIEW - Contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
By the way, different versions of the y’allbonics list are all over the web, and the list is often distributed as a joke email. I don’t know who wrote it. If it was you, let me know, and I’ll take it down and link to you instead.
For other Southern-language-related humor, check out Georgia Girl. She has a version of the y’allbonics list and more, such as How to Speak Southern, which might be an excerpt from this book by Steven Mitchell, If Microsoft was in Georgia, and On Moving to the South. Here’s a taste:
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store….Don’t buy food at this store.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that “He needed killin” is a valid defense here.
Do not be surprised to find that many 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
On a (somewhat) more serious note, this is an About.com entry on Southern Slang, complete with the fine distinction between y’all and all y’all.
Y’all take care!
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
I’ve been meaning for some time to link to The Anchoress’ The Death of Pop Culture post. In yet another classic Anchoress rant, she observes with her typical flair the Red Audience’s increasing distaste for the Blue Media’s offerings. Here’s just a taste:
People are weary of being lectured to by the media and the culture it promotes. They are tired of being told via sitcoms that their values are silly or via senators that the people they elect are losers. They are tired of reading that the traditions they wish to share within their communities are divisive if they insult an atheist, with no corresponding recognition that an atheist’s tirade is often filled with hate. They are sick of turning on a good cop drama, looking for an hour’s simple entertainment, only to learn that people like themselves, who hold with deeply-held religious beliefs, are really monsters of unenlightened hatred. To get away from that, they flip to C-span, just in time to learn that their traditional family units are insultingly heteronormative.
Treat yourself to the whole thing. I think she’s right that red-staters have a thirst for media and that while they are more than willing to tolerate diverse opinions, they are growing tired of being ignored and insulted. More and more of them are tuning out in droves, and that makes it even more difficult for the rare red media alternatives to get any traction for their products. The Anchoress’ blue pugilist may be going down for the count, but what will rise in its place?
Comments
And now for Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee, a continuation of Hillbilly Holiday, 2005.
First things first. Before you even get in the car, grab a Mountain Dew. According to the Mountain Dew history page, moonshine was, back in the days, sometimes euphemistically referred to as “mountain dew.” In Knoxville, Tennessee, sometime during the 1940’s, a lemon-lime whiskey mixer was invented and sold as “Mountain Dew.” The flavor as we now know it was only perfected several years later, after a franchise was granted to Tri-Cities Beverage in Johnson City, Tennessee. Tri-Cities Beverage packaged the soft drink in green bottles with red and white labels depicting cartoon character Willy the Hillbilly “shooting at a revenuer fleeing an outhouse with a pig sitting in the corner.” Hooo-weeee! Mountain Dew went national in 1964 when Pepsi bought the franchise. I believe the revenuers are getting their cut nowadays.
Tri-Cities Beverage is still alive and well in Johnson City. Today, they’re hockin’ a concoction called Dr. Enuf, a “[r]efreshing soft drink enriched with vitamins and minerals.” The folklore is that the stuff has an uncanny ability to “relieve untold misery” from aches and pains, stomach disturbances (I hate those), and that tired run-down feeling. May be because it’s packed with pure cane sugar (as opposed to that high fructose corn syrup stuff), huge amounts of caffeine, and B vitamins. Their cherry-flavored herbal sodas add ginseng and guarana and utilize sucralose instead of aspartame.
Now you cain’t just depend on caffeine the whole trip. What goes up must come down, know whattuh mean, Vern? But don’t stop at McDonald’s or Burger King or any other national fast food chain. Nope. On a trip to East Tennessee there’s only one place to stop for vittles along the interstate and that’s Crackerbarrel. You’ll know you’re getting close when you start seeing ‘em every other exit.
Crackerbarrel’s cradle is located in Lebanon, Tennessee, just east of Nashville. To Crackerbarrel’s founder, Dan Evins, “mealtime [is] a special time to catch up with your family, your friends, or your thoughts. Meals [aren’t] meant to be swallowed down in three bites with a squirt of ketchup.” Each establishment is modeled after that little country store that every small community has. There are rocking chairs on the porch. There are cozy fireplaces inside. And the food, well, it doesn’t get much better. I reckon fatback is involved. More on that later.
Now I know that northerners might find it a bit hard to slow down all at once. No problem. As you get closer to the Smokies, you’ll have some fast food choices that are also distinctly southern. Petros is a chain specializing in, well, Petros, but that doesn’t tell you much, does it? So here’s the background: In 1982, Knoxville hosted the World’s Fair. The theme for the fair that year was energy, and the “Petroleum Belly” was created to fit the theme. It was originally served in a Fritos bag with chili and other toppings, but now it’s served in a “barrel” with this configuration. It comes in three sizes: Regular, Premium, and Super Premium. There are also Unleadeds, and the sides are referred to as Additives.
So there you have it. The world’s first restaurateur unabashedly marketing his ability to give you super premo gas.
Up in the Tri-Cities, you can also get a quick lunch at Pal’s. Pronounced “Powell’s” by the locals, Pal’s originated in Kingsport, Tennessee. They serve something called a Sauceburger, “Frenchie Fries,” awesome milk shakes, and other typical fast food. They use a “Sudden Service” concept, which is actually quite efficient. The facade of the buildings is a sight to behold.
Other Stuff You Must Eat Before You Leave
RC Cola and a MoonPie
The MoonPie — a graham cookie sandwich with marshmallow filling dipped in chocolate — was created in Chattanooga, Tennessee. RC Cola originated as “Chero-Cola” in 1905 in Columbus, Georgia. Over the years, “Royal Crown Cola” has been quite the innovator. It was the first cola company to distribute soft drinks in cans. It was first with the 16-ounce bottle. And it was first with a low-calorie diet cola, the first caffeine-free diet cola, and the first diet cherry cola.
If you’ve done your homework and listened closely to the songs suggested in the Required Listening post, you will have noticed that Tracy Byrd’s Lifestyles of the Not So Rich and Famous jokes that “Our champagne and caviar is an RC Cola and a MoonPie.” I thought the writer of that song was simply saying that he preferred a certain southern cola over fancy pants bubbly and a certain southern confection over fish eggs. But no, an RC Cola and a MoonPie was apparently the favorite package deal of multitudes of southerners in the 1950’s. According to Nashvillian Jan Duke’s About.com page,
Every southerner has fond memories of the MoonPie and RC Cola. The occasional afternoon walk to the local store to retrieve a MoonPie and an R.C.Cola with a parent was commonplace. Some of the most important parental conversations took place during the enjoyment of this delightful combination. The hurried traveler while stopping for a gas fill up, would regularly purchase a R.C. Cola and MoonPie to tie him or her over, might I add that a hurried stop in Tennessee is equivalent to about 20 minutes or so.
GooGoo Cluster
You cain’t discuss southern confections without mentioning the Goo-Goo Cluster, the world’s first combination candy bar. Concocted in 1912 by the Standard Candy Company in Nashville, it is a round mound of caramel, marshmallow, fresh roasted peanuts, and pure milk chocolate. There’s some dispute over the derivation of the name. Is it named after the first thing a baby learns to say? Is it due to its affiliation with the Grand Ole Opry?
Who cares? Just eat the durn things.
Anything Cooked in Fatback
You’ve heard of lard, right? Well, fatback is the stuff lard’s made of. Salty, greasy flavoring for almost anything, especially green beans.
Grits
Grits are about as southern as food gets. Here’s everything you never wanted to know about this corn product. Notice that fatback can be added to grits to improve the flavor. If you watched My Cousin Vinny, as suggested in the Required Viewing, Part III post, you’ll know that the cooking of grits plays an important role in breaking open the case.
Possum
Redneck Recipes has several possum recipes, including Possum and Taters, Possum Pot Pie, and Possum Creole. I’m fairly (not entirely) certain that the whole site is just a joke, but don’t miss the preparation portion of the Wild Possum Kabob recipe. The whole thing is hilarious, but here’s a taste:
The possum must be alive so that you can scare it, giving you the “wild” taste from all the adrenaline it produces. It is best to hit it over the head with a large object in a humane manner.
Read the whole page. Like I said, I think it’s a joke, but this site is no joke. The page used to have a picture of the critter the author cooked up, but it’s gone now. Too bad. It looked delicious.
Not.
Roadkill
It’s true. Tennessee is home to the [in?]famous Roadkill Bill. Tennessee Code Annotated 70-4-115 specifically permits residents to eat varmints split open on the open road. You absolutely must read this exaggerated (but only slightly) treatment of the issue. It’s chock-full of helpful information, including a suggestion that “[i]f you have anti-violent tendencies, you can just scan the highway shoulders for fresh sanitary corpses.”
As I said, the bill is real, and you can read it here.
Barbeque
John Shelton Reed has observed that “Southern barbeque is the closest thing we have in the U.S. to Europe’s wines and cheeses; drive a hundred miles and the barbeque changes.” Dixie (Swine will NOT be served before its time!) Barbeque in Johnson City emphasizes this point by offering several different barbeque sauces from different geographical locations: East Tennessee Red, Carolina, Alabama White (uh, I’ll pass, both because its ‘Bama and because the “white” is mayonnaise), Dixie Dry Rib Rub (a la Memphis), South Carolina Gold, and Texas/Oklahoma. Dixie’s got sauce from everywhere. There’s even a Sauce from Hell, which is described as a
Medium to thin, bright red, Louisiana hot sauce base. Cayenne pepper, white and black pepper WHEW! This is REALLY REALLY Hot. No children under 45 inches tall, no pregnant women or people with heart conditions, Please!
Bon Appetit!
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
1 Comment
Discontinue use of clippers. A nice, big clump of nose hair is the best defense against this.
Anyone else feel a sudden, compelling need for a Kleenex?
Comments
Dave Barry again reviews the latest episode of 24. Best observation: the guy in charge of the world should not be splitting his time between averting disaster and selling insurance.
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