Patent on a Stick

June 15th, 2005 at 10:21 pm (Law, Humor)

Just discovered IPWatchdog.com, which has been compiling a list of obscure patents for at least a couple of years. My favorite is the animal toy. Click the link — IPWatchdog’s commentary is hilarious.

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On Minimizing the Freak in Freaktoe

June 14th, 2005 at 10:39 pm (Family, Entertainment)

Well, it appears that Freaktoe’s uh, persistence, has finally worn down my poor wife, at least with respect to the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring, which they brought home from the library a couple of days ago. So now I’m watching it to make sure nothing has crept into the extended and unrated portions that might put the “freak” back into Freaktoe. An ancillary benefit, of course, is that the extended version is, according to most reports, a dramatic improvement on the already excellent film. Hollywood Jesus catalogues the differences, and so far — Frodo just disappeared at the Prancing Pony, and Pippin is considering whether a pint might actually be too large for a hobbit — I agree that the additions are improvements.

Still, I have not yet been able to find anything rating the content of the extended portions, so I’ll just have to keep watching.

Only three hours to go to discharge my paternal obligations.

Life is hard.

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Can I Live? Thanks for Listenin’

June 14th, 2005 at 6:53 am (Christianity, Entertainment)

Discovered this Nick Cannon pro-life rap video while reading The Anchoress this morning. It’s worth your time.

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Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 — Schedule: Days 5 and 6

June 2nd, 2005 at 10:32 pm (East Tennessee and The South, Travel)

This will be the last pre-Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 post. Tentative Schedule for Days 5 and 6. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.

It’s a vacation! Relax.

Day 5 — Biltmore Estate

Time to slow things down a bit. Check out of the Mountain Spirit fairly early and head over to Asheville, NC to hang out at Biltmore Estate for awhile. Again, I’ve never been there, but look at the picture! This thing would be impressive if it were built today. Account for the fact that it was built in the 1890’s, and it’s simply amazing.

I’ve been told that the Behind-the-Scenes Tour is worth the extra cost. Reservations for the extra tour are required, so you’d better decide early. Oh, and the place closes at 5:00, so we’d better get there early to get our money’s worth.

The driving directions from Gatlinburg are here. It takes about 90 minutes. The suggested scenic route takes you through Johnson City, TN, but that’s where we’re headed after Biltmore, so we’ll get the best of both worlds.

Day 5 — Roan Mountain

We’ll be lazy this last day. Maybe we can head up to Roan Mountain to straddle the line between Tennessee and North Carolina and take in the awesome mountaintop view of the Smokies. We might be just a bit early to catch the rhododendrons in full bloom, but maybe we’ll get lucky.

On the way home, we should stop at Dixie (Swine will NOT be served before its time!) Barbeque in Johnson City. Bring cash, though, because they don’t take plastic. Try out the the different barbeque sauces from different geographical locations while watching Andy Griffith on the old beat up t.v. And you absolutely must try the fried taters and onions.

All right. Sleep.

Then go home. And I’ll leave you with some words you no doubt you can still hear in your head with unnervingly little effort:

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin
They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin’ in
You’re all invited back next week to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality

Hillbilly that is
Set a spell
Take your shoes off

Y’all come back now, ya hear?

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Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 — Schedule: Days 2 and 3

June 1st, 2005 at 10:15 pm (East Tennessee and The South, Travel)

UPDATE: The Mountain Spirit does have a washer and dryer. And not just a ribbed contraption in the creek and a roll of duct tape to stick your soileds on the hood of your car while you drive real fast, either.

At least, I’m assuming they’re not.

Anyway, consider yourself updated.

This here’s more of the Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 Tentative Schedule. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.

It’s a vacation! Relax.

Day 3 — Dollywood Encores and Dolly’s Splash Country

Again, start the day by eating some pig parts, and then head back to Dollywood to do anything you might have missed and to do again anything you couldn’t get enough of yesterday.

And consider Dolly’s Splash Country. Never been there myself. But it looks fun. You can download and print the Guide Map here. WARNING: It’s a very large pdf file, but if you can print it, it would probably be beneficial to have a look prior to actually arriving so you don’t get your sunburn even before the first ride because you’re staring at the durn thing for the first time while the kids all hop around at your ankles begging you to get your act together.

Here’s a description of some of the rides:

Sorta, Kinda Adventurous

Big Bear Plunge™ — Take the “plunge” on this new extreme white water rafting adventure ride that takes you banking through dark caverns with winding bends and steep drops reminiscent of challenging river expeditions. You’ll crash through a wall of fog just before sliding down the bumpy cliff that sends you splashing into the pool below.

Mountain Twist® — You’ll twist, turn and shout! Choose from three single person mat slides that continuously twist and turn as you drop 42 feet on the way to the bottom.

Raging River Rapids — Hold on to your hat! The Raging River Rapids offers the best in family rafting adventure. The family sized rafts seat up five people for a group soaking on the 700 foot ride.

Wild River Falls — Wild River Falls offers four exciting slides for the whole family to enjoy either in the bright sunshine or with the added excitement of sliding in the darkness of a tunnel.

Just for the Youngin’s

Little Creek Falls - For the younger folk, Little Creek Falls provides the best in exciting and safe fun! The children’s pool, slides and activity center will get the tykes wonderfully wet and wild!


Little Creek Falls

Downbound Float Trip — Experience the beauty of the Smokies while floating down the 1,500 foot “river” and get drenched cruising under a 200 foot tall waterfall cascading from above.

Downbound Float Trip

Mountain Waves — It’s the beach within reach. Mountain Waves offers more than 25,000 square feet of ocean fun smack dab in the middle of the mountains.

Mountain Waves

Soaker Springs™ — You’re deep in the Smokies, do you hear the frogs, do you feel the mist from the trees? Watch out for that rock – it’s spraying water everywhere. This area, for kids of all ages, has lots of interactive activities and there’s no doubt about it – you’re going to get “soaked”.

Potentially Way More Than Sorta, Kinda Adventurous

The Butterfly — Drop onto the wings of a butterfly in The Butterfly Pool, the landing zone for Dollywood’s Splash Country’s fastest slides! Riders plunge down two 55 long extreme slides with the steepest drop in the park!

Mountain Scream — Riders “woosh” down their choice of corkscrew tunnels or aggressive quadruple drop slides for feelings of pure excitement!

Splash Country features something called SafeTZone, which appears to be a cool way to put parents of small children who might wander off at ease.

After your skin reaches the shade of a Grainger County tomato, head back to the Mountain Spirit, dry off, and head for the 5:00 showing at The Comedy Barn. Again, I’ve never been there, but as I said before, their website features an interactive pig, which is reason enough to give them money.

Afterwards, eat. Preferably something pig. Then more home-spun fun and games and sleep.

Day 4 — In and Around Pigeon Forge

Okay, time’s running out. So prepare for some serious short-shrifting.

Start the day off right by eating something pig at Cracker Barrel. Then go hog wild and roam free about in Pigeon Forge and/or Gatlinburg. There’s Ripley’s Aquarium of the Smokies. Or how about Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum? Or trolling through the outlet malls?

Whatever it is, go do it. Go back to the Mountain Spirit for a cheaper lunch and then spend the money you saved somewhere else.

But don’t wear yourselves out, because you need to make the 6:00 o’clock at Dixie Stampede. The buffaloes are back!

Oh, and sit with the Southerners.

Take a well-deserved rest, and gear up for the final few days.

Good-night, John-Boy.

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