This will be the last pre-Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 post. Tentative Schedule for Days 5 and 6. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.
It’s a vacation! Relax.
Day 5 — Biltmore Estate
Time to slow things down a bit. Check out of the Mountain Spirit fairly early and head over to Asheville, NC to hang out at Biltmore Estate for awhile. Again, I’ve never been there, but look at the picture! This thing would be impressive if it were built today. Account for the fact that it was built in the 1890’s, and it’s simply amazing.
I’ve been told that the Behind-the-Scenes Tour is worth the extra cost. Reservations for the extra tour are required, so you’d better decide early. Oh, and the place closes at 5:00, so we’d better get there early to get our money’s worth.
The driving directions from Gatlinburg are here. It takes about 90 minutes. The suggested scenic route takes you through Johnson City, TN, but that’s where we’re headed after Biltmore, so we’ll get the best of both worlds.
Day 5 — Roan Mountain
We’ll be lazy this last day. Maybe we can head up to Roan Mountain to straddle the line between Tennessee and North Carolina and take in the awesome mountaintop view of the Smokies. We might be just a bit early to catch the rhododendrons in full bloom, but maybe we’ll get lucky.
On the way home, we should stop at Dixie (Swine will NOT be served before its time!) Barbeque in Johnson City. Bring cash, though, because they don’t take plastic. Try out the the different barbeque sauces from different geographical locations while watching Andy Griffith on the old beat up t.v. And you absolutely must try the fried taters and onions.
All right. Sleep.
Then go home. And I’ll leave you with some words you no doubt you can still hear in your head with unnervingly little effort:
Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin
They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin’ in
You’re all invited back next week to this locality
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality
Hillbilly that is
Set a spell
Take your shoes off
Y’all come back now, ya hear?
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
1 Comment
UPDATE: The Mountain Spirit does have a washer and dryer. And not just a ribbed contraption in the creek and a roll of duct tape to stick your soileds on the hood of your car while you drive real fast, either.
At least, I’m assuming they’re not.
Anyway, consider yourself updated.
This here’s more of the Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 Tentative Schedule. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.
It’s a vacation! Relax.
Day 3 — Dollywood Encores and Dolly’s Splash Country
Again, start the day by eating some pig parts, and then head back to Dollywood to do anything you might have missed and to do again anything you couldn’t get enough of yesterday.
And consider Dolly’s Splash Country. Never been there myself. But it looks fun. You can download and print the Guide Map here. WARNING: It’s a very large pdf file, but if you can print it, it would probably be beneficial to have a look prior to actually arriving so you don’t get your sunburn even before the first ride because you’re staring at the durn thing for the first time while the kids all hop around at your ankles begging you to get your act together.
Here’s a description of some of the rides:
Sorta, Kinda Adventurous
Big Bear Plunge™ — Take the “plunge” on this new extreme white water rafting adventure ride that takes you banking through dark caverns with winding bends and steep drops reminiscent of challenging river expeditions. You’ll crash through a wall of fog just before sliding down the bumpy cliff that sends you splashing into the pool below.
Mountain Twist® — You’ll twist, turn and shout! Choose from three single person mat slides that continuously twist and turn as you drop 42 feet on the way to the bottom.
Raging River Rapids — Hold on to your hat! The Raging River Rapids offers the best in family rafting adventure. The family sized rafts seat up five people for a group soaking on the 700 foot ride.
Wild River Falls — Wild River Falls offers four exciting slides for the whole family to enjoy either in the bright sunshine or with the added excitement of sliding in the darkness of a tunnel.
Just for the Youngin’s
Little Creek Falls - For the younger folk, Little Creek Falls provides the best in exciting and safe fun! The children’s pool, slides and activity center will get the tykes wonderfully wet and wild!
Little Creek Falls
Downbound Float Trip — Experience the beauty of the Smokies while floating down the 1,500 foot “river” and get drenched cruising under a 200 foot tall waterfall cascading from above.
Downbound Float Trip
Mountain Waves — It’s the beach within reach. Mountain Waves offers more than 25,000 square feet of ocean fun smack dab in the middle of the mountains.
Mountain Waves
Soaker Springs™ — You’re deep in the Smokies, do you hear the frogs, do you feel the mist from the trees? Watch out for that rock – it’s spraying water everywhere. This area, for kids of all ages, has lots of interactive activities and there’s no doubt about it – you’re going to get “soaked”.
Potentially Way More Than Sorta, Kinda Adventurous
The Butterfly — Drop onto the wings of a butterfly in The Butterfly Pool, the landing zone for Dollywood’s Splash Country’s fastest slides! Riders plunge down two 55 long extreme slides with the steepest drop in the park!
Mountain Scream — Riders “woosh” down their choice of corkscrew tunnels or aggressive quadruple drop slides for feelings of pure excitement!
Splash Country features something called SafeTZone, which appears to be a cool way to put parents of small children who might wander off at ease.
After your skin reaches the shade of a Grainger County tomato, head back to the Mountain Spirit, dry off, and head for the 5:00 showing at The Comedy Barn. Again, I’ve never been there, but as I said before, their website features an interactive pig, which is reason enough to give them money.
Afterwards, eat. Preferably something pig. Then more home-spun fun and games and sleep.
Day 4 — In and Around Pigeon Forge
Okay, time’s running out. So prepare for some serious short-shrifting.
Start the day off right by eating something pig at Cracker Barrel. Then go hog wild and roam free about in Pigeon Forge and/or Gatlinburg. There’s Ripley’s Aquarium of the Smokies. Or how about Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum? Or trolling through the outlet malls?
Whatever it is, go do it. Go back to the Mountain Spirit for a cheaper lunch and then spend the money you saved somewhere else.
But don’t wear yourselves out, because you need to make the 6:00 o’clock at Dixie Stampede. The buffaloes are back!
Oh, and sit with the Southerners.
Take a well-deserved rest, and gear up for the final few days.
Good-night, John-Boy.
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
This here’s the Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 Tentative Schedule. All times and events subject to change at the whim of any party involved.
It’s a vacation! Relax.
Day 1 — Arrival
Get to the Mountain Spirit at Shagbark Resort in Pigeon Forge, TN sometime after 4:00. Proceed to chill. Maybe stock up on some vittles. If you’re just wanting gas or snacks, you should go to either Weigel’s, an East Tennessee original, or Pilot, now based in Knoxville. For a bigger selection, we do have actual grocery stores. Alas, there is no Piggly Wiggly in or around Pigeon Forge, so you’ll have to make do with “the Kroger.”
Eat pig parts. Argue about schedule for upcoming week.
Start the week off right by eating some pig parts for breakfast. You should probably include some biscuits, too, just to fit in. If you’re really feeling it, slop some gravy on there.
Dollywood opens at 10:00 and closes at 7:00, but you can get there a bit early and catch an early ride on the tram to get a jump on things. Say howdy to Stumpy the tram driver if you’re lucky enough to get him.
Once inside, go immediately to the Dollywood Express Train Depot, if you or your youngin’s are into trains, and make an appointment to ride with the engineer later in the day:
Dollywood Express — The engineer sounds the whistle and your mountain excursion is under way. Our authentic 110-ton coal-fired steam engine takes you on a breathtaking five-mile journey through the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains where you’ll enjoy pastoral scenery and some of the most beautiful views that nature has to offer.
Then (or otherwise), head to the most popular rides and get as many in as you can before the crowds pick up. You can take the youngin’s to the County Fair area, where there’s a whole bunch of rides and stuff for the little ones. There are also also rides for older kids and folks here, too. But try to squeeze in as many of the following big-time rides as you can before lunch.
Don’t Miss Rides
The Thunderhead® — An old sawmill once moved lumber out of the mountains at Thunderhead Gap. Wood is still the focus, but now the operation known as the Thunderhead is the wildest ride in the woods! Carefully situated between two mountains, this massive wooden coaster stands tall among the mighty trees and takes advantage of the area’s rough and tumble terrain to create a daring ride featuring a 100-foot drop and a top speed of 55 mph.
Blazing Fury — A fire is just minutes away from engulfing this 1880s town. If you choose to ride, you’re instantly recruited to battle this mighty blaze. Help calm the chaos as you climb aboard this indoor roller coaster that screams through town taking each hill and every curve with great speed. Soon, it’s apparent that the only way to douse the flames is water—and plenty of it!
It might be best to wait on these until a bit later in the day — when it’s warmer and when you don’t have to walk around in sloshing britches for as long. Then again, the lines are a bit longer then, too.
Daredevil Falls — Only a real daredevil will venture into an abandoned logging camp for a one-of-a-kind boat expedition. If you’re up to the challenge, let our adventurous guides help you navigate your way through some close calls with the bears and the old left behind lumber machinery. But, just when you catch your breath, your boat careens over a waterfall down a 60-foot drop at a heart-racing 60 mph!
Smoky Mountain River Rampage — It’s Dollywood’s own Smoky Mountain white water rafting adventure, full of exciting dips, twists and turns. Each raft ride is a unique experience as you brave the rapids, but the white water leaves no passenger untouched. Count on a good soaking!
Mountain Slidewinder — The Mountain Slidewinder is situated in an authentic mountain setting. You’ll climb through the actual mountain terrain to board this water toboggan thriller that literally slides down the mountainside along high-banked curves at breathtaking speeds. Let there be no doubt: you will get wet on this ride!
Lunchtime
Don’t eat lunch at lunch time because everybody eats lunch at lunch time. Instead, around noon, have a snack. Try the fried green tomatoes. Or the pork rinds. Or the sweet kettle corn. Or the deep fried twinkie. You get the idea. Snack up and get in line for a water ride (save the soakers like the Slidewinder and the River Rampage for later) while everybody else is in line to eat.
Afternoon
Okay, now that you’re wet, you should go find a place to sit in the sun where you can dry out and feed your face. I like The Hickory House BBQ, and Angela likes Apple Jack’s Sandwich Shop. For some bonus fun at no additional cost, stand back and watch us resolve this matter. The kids might prefer Red’s Diner (a Fifties burger and a shake place) or Victoria’s Pizza.
After eating, catch one of the shows:
Don’t Miss Shows
Heartsong® — In this multi-sensory film experience, Dolly Parton takes you on a breathtaking journey through the Great Smoky Mountains as she shares her story about a place very near and dear to her heart.
Kingdom Heirs — It’s southern gospel music at its finest as Dollywood’s own award-winning quartet the Kingdom Heirs lift your spirits with beautiful four-part harmonies as they sing ageless gospel standards along with their own chart-topping hits.
After that, take a trip on the Dollywood Express and catch David Tallent’s Magic Show afterwards. The magic show is really just a commercial for the magic store, but it’s entertaining nonetheless. Have one of the kids sit in the front row, stage right. And then watch out for Rascal. He’s a . . . rascal.
At some point, you should take the littlest ones to the Treehouse:
Let your imagination run wild as you explore America’s largest interactive treehouse full of kid-powered games, gadgets, and gizmos for all ages. Discover what’s abuzz in the three-level Beehive featuring 50,000 foam “bee” balls or cool off with jumping fountains and water blasters in Bullfrog Creek.
Most of all, though, take your time and stop to enjoy all of the gems scattered about along the way. When it’s close to closing time, decide whether you want to take advantage of the price break for adding a second day to your ticket. Then try to find Stumpy and get a ride back to your car.
Dinner Time
Before heading back to the Mountain Spirit, head to the Applewood Farmhouse Grill:
A long time ago Apple Valley Road, which runs along-side Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant was the main road between Sevierville and Gatlinburg. Across the river, you can still see the faint tracks where horse-drawn wagons forded the Little Pigeon River. The original farmhouse on this site burned, and in 1921 was replaced by a six-room house, which stands as the centerpiece of the restaurant. You can still see the wonderful built-in oak furniture in the original dining and living room.
In 1972, the Bon Hicks family and the Bill Kilpatrick family bought the 65 acre property from Roger Mullendore and operated it as a beef cattle and burley tobacco farm until 1976-1978 when they started to put it into apple orchards.In 1986, the Hicks and the Kilpatricks called upon Stokely Hospitality Enterprises which manages Gatlinburg’s finest restaurants like the Burning Bush and the Brass Lantern to create Applewood Farmhouse Restaurant by expanding the original farmhouse. Surrounded by orchards, you will find that the “Apple is King.” The story doesn’t end there because the fruits of that orchard also included the addition of The Applewood Farmhouse Grill, where you can taste the tradition.
Here’s the menu.
Now. Back to the Mountain Spirit for some home-spun fun and games.
And sleep.
Lots of sleep.
After all, tomorrow’s another day.
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
Hey! Hire yew?
Less than a week to Hillbilly Holiday, 2005. You should continue marinating in the sweet sounds of the South in the Required Listening post and continue working your way through some of the movies and t.v. shows listed in the Required Viewing posts. And in a few short days you should begin salivating in contemplation of the consumption of the foods described in the Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee post.
You’ll also need to get your ears fine-tuned a bit so you can understand the folks when you get here. There’s nothing cooler than Southern colloquialisms delivered in a sweet southern drawl, and you can get your fill of such things during your trip to East Tennessee, if you’re paying attention and you got the ear for it.
Remember Ebonics? Well somebody took up the idea and applied to the south, just for fun. It’s Y’allbonics!
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner.”
OHL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts ohl in my pickup truck.”
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ARE!”
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
FAHT - (noun), (verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep faht’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RAHTS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to faht for are rahts.”
CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: “Just set that bare raht cheer”.
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the ohl in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: “I couldn’t unnerstand a word he said … must be from some farn country.”
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
HAZE - A contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is lahf.”
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Greeting.
Usage: “Hey, hire yew?”
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) Contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t heard from him in munts.”
RANCH - (noun)- Tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: “My grampa retard at age 65.”
SEED -(verb) - Past tense of “to see”.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City”.
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
VIEW - Contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
By the way, different versions of the y’allbonics list are all over the web, and the list is often distributed as a joke email. I don’t know who wrote it. If it was you, let me know, and I’ll take it down and link to you instead.
For other Southern-language-related humor, check out Georgia Girl. She has a version of the y’allbonics list and more, such as How to Speak Southern, which might be an excerpt from this book by Steven Mitchell, If Microsoft was in Georgia, and On Moving to the South. Here’s a taste:
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store….Don’t buy food at this store.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that “He needed killin” is a valid defense here.
Do not be surprised to find that many 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
On a (somewhat) more serious note, this is an About.com entry on Southern Slang, complete with the fine distinction between y’all and all y’all.
Y’all take care!
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
And now for Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee, a continuation of Hillbilly Holiday, 2005.
First things first. Before you even get in the car, grab a Mountain Dew. According to the Mountain Dew history page, moonshine was, back in the days, sometimes euphemistically referred to as “mountain dew.” In Knoxville, Tennessee, sometime during the 1940’s, a lemon-lime whiskey mixer was invented and sold as “Mountain Dew.” The flavor as we now know it was only perfected several years later, after a franchise was granted to Tri-Cities Beverage in Johnson City, Tennessee. Tri-Cities Beverage packaged the soft drink in green bottles with red and white labels depicting cartoon character Willy the Hillbilly “shooting at a revenuer fleeing an outhouse with a pig sitting in the corner.” Hooo-weeee! Mountain Dew went national in 1964 when Pepsi bought the franchise. I believe the revenuers are getting their cut nowadays.
Tri-Cities Beverage is still alive and well in Johnson City. Today, they’re hockin’ a concoction called Dr. Enuf, a “[r]efreshing soft drink enriched with vitamins and minerals.” The folklore is that the stuff has an uncanny ability to “relieve untold misery” from aches and pains, stomach disturbances (I hate those), and that tired run-down feeling. May be because it’s packed with pure cane sugar (as opposed to that high fructose corn syrup stuff), huge amounts of caffeine, and B vitamins. Their cherry-flavored herbal sodas add ginseng and guarana and utilize sucralose instead of aspartame.
Now you cain’t just depend on caffeine the whole trip. What goes up must come down, know whattuh mean, Vern? But don’t stop at McDonald’s or Burger King or any other national fast food chain. Nope. On a trip to East Tennessee there’s only one place to stop for vittles along the interstate and that’s Crackerbarrel. You’ll know you’re getting close when you start seeing ‘em every other exit.
Crackerbarrel’s cradle is located in Lebanon, Tennessee, just east of Nashville. To Crackerbarrel’s founder, Dan Evins, “mealtime [is] a special time to catch up with your family, your friends, or your thoughts. Meals [aren’t] meant to be swallowed down in three bites with a squirt of ketchup.” Each establishment is modeled after that little country store that every small community has. There are rocking chairs on the porch. There are cozy fireplaces inside. And the food, well, it doesn’t get much better. I reckon fatback is involved. More on that later.
Now I know that northerners might find it a bit hard to slow down all at once. No problem. As you get closer to the Smokies, you’ll have some fast food choices that are also distinctly southern. Petros is a chain specializing in, well, Petros, but that doesn’t tell you much, does it? So here’s the background: In 1982, Knoxville hosted the World’s Fair. The theme for the fair that year was energy, and the “Petroleum Belly” was created to fit the theme. It was originally served in a Fritos bag with chili and other toppings, but now it’s served in a “barrel” with this configuration. It comes in three sizes: Regular, Premium, and Super Premium. There are also Unleadeds, and the sides are referred to as Additives.
So there you have it. The world’s first restaurateur unabashedly marketing his ability to give you super premo gas.
Up in the Tri-Cities, you can also get a quick lunch at Pal’s. Pronounced “Powell’s” by the locals, Pal’s originated in Kingsport, Tennessee. They serve something called a Sauceburger, “Frenchie Fries,” awesome milk shakes, and other typical fast food. They use a “Sudden Service” concept, which is actually quite efficient. The facade of the buildings is a sight to behold.
Other Stuff You Must Eat Before You Leave
RC Cola and a MoonPie
The MoonPie — a graham cookie sandwich with marshmallow filling dipped in chocolate — was created in Chattanooga, Tennessee. RC Cola originated as “Chero-Cola” in 1905 in Columbus, Georgia. Over the years, “Royal Crown Cola” has been quite the innovator. It was the first cola company to distribute soft drinks in cans. It was first with the 16-ounce bottle. And it was first with a low-calorie diet cola, the first caffeine-free diet cola, and the first diet cherry cola.
If you’ve done your homework and listened closely to the songs suggested in the Required Listening post, you will have noticed that Tracy Byrd’s Lifestyles of the Not So Rich and Famous jokes that “Our champagne and caviar is an RC Cola and a MoonPie.” I thought the writer of that song was simply saying that he preferred a certain southern cola over fancy pants bubbly and a certain southern confection over fish eggs. But no, an RC Cola and a MoonPie was apparently the favorite package deal of multitudes of southerners in the 1950’s. According to Nashvillian Jan Duke’s About.com page,
Every southerner has fond memories of the MoonPie and RC Cola. The occasional afternoon walk to the local store to retrieve a MoonPie and an R.C.Cola with a parent was commonplace. Some of the most important parental conversations took place during the enjoyment of this delightful combination. The hurried traveler while stopping for a gas fill up, would regularly purchase a R.C. Cola and MoonPie to tie him or her over, might I add that a hurried stop in Tennessee is equivalent to about 20 minutes or so.
GooGoo Cluster
You cain’t discuss southern confections without mentioning the Goo-Goo Cluster, the world’s first combination candy bar. Concocted in 1912 by the Standard Candy Company in Nashville, it is a round mound of caramel, marshmallow, fresh roasted peanuts, and pure milk chocolate. There’s some dispute over the derivation of the name. Is it named after the first thing a baby learns to say? Is it due to its affiliation with the Grand Ole Opry?
Who cares? Just eat the durn things.
Anything Cooked in Fatback
You’ve heard of lard, right? Well, fatback is the stuff lard’s made of. Salty, greasy flavoring for almost anything, especially green beans.
Grits
Grits are about as southern as food gets. Here’s everything you never wanted to know about this corn product. Notice that fatback can be added to grits to improve the flavor. If you watched My Cousin Vinny, as suggested in the Required Viewing, Part III post, you’ll know that the cooking of grits plays an important role in breaking open the case.
Possum
Redneck Recipes has several possum recipes, including Possum and Taters, Possum Pot Pie, and Possum Creole. I’m fairly (not entirely) certain that the whole site is just a joke, but don’t miss the preparation portion of the Wild Possum Kabob recipe. The whole thing is hilarious, but here’s a taste:
The possum must be alive so that you can scare it, giving you the “wild” taste from all the adrenaline it produces. It is best to hit it over the head with a large object in a humane manner.
Read the whole page. Like I said, I think it’s a joke, but this site is no joke. The page used to have a picture of the critter the author cooked up, but it’s gone now. Too bad. It looked delicious.
Not.
Roadkill
It’s true. Tennessee is home to the [in?]famous Roadkill Bill. Tennessee Code Annotated 70-4-115 specifically permits residents to eat varmints split open on the open road. You absolutely must read this exaggerated (but only slightly) treatment of the issue. It’s chock-full of helpful information, including a suggestion that “[i]f you have anti-violent tendencies, you can just scan the highway shoulders for fresh sanitary corpses.”
As I said, the bill is real, and you can read it here.
Barbeque
John Shelton Reed has observed that “Southern barbeque is the closest thing we have in the U.S. to Europe’s wines and cheeses; drive a hundred miles and the barbeque changes.” Dixie (Swine will NOT be served before its time!) Barbeque in Johnson City emphasizes this point by offering several different barbeque sauces from different geographical locations: East Tennessee Red, Carolina, Alabama White (uh, I’ll pass, both because its ‘Bama and because the “white” is mayonnaise), Dixie Dry Rib Rub (a la Memphis), South Carolina Gold, and Texas/Oklahoma. Dixie’s got sauce from everywhere. There’s even a Sauce from Hell, which is described as a
Medium to thin, bright red, Louisiana hot sauce base. Cayenne pepper, white and black pepper WHEW! This is REALLY REALLY Hot. No children under 45 inches tall, no pregnant women or people with heart conditions, Please!
Bon Appetit!
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
1 Comment
| And now for the final installment of Required Viewing for Hillbilly Holiday, 2005 — About the South.
Part I, About Appalachia or Nearby Areas, is here. Part II, Connections to Appalachia or Nearby Areas is here. The Required Listening post is here. |
| About the South |
| A Family Thing |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| Gone with the Wind |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| Sweet Home Alabama |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| To Kill a Mockingbird |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Christian Spotlight on the Movies Content Info |
| My Cousin Vinny |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available (but it’s definitely not for delicate ears) |
| The Beverly Hillbillies |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available |
| I don’t have much to say about some of these, but I will say that A Family Thing might be the best movie you’ve never heard of. Robert Duvall plays an aging Arkansas redneck who, upon discovering that his birth mother was black, gets in his pickup and heads to Chicago to meet his black half-brother, played by James Earl Jones. The scene with him negotiating the Chicago interstate system in his beat up red pickup is priceless.
Best line from Sweet Home Alabama: “Hey, you just squashed the state bird of Alabama.” (Uttered by a character named Earl Smooter, which is even better than the line.)
Atticus Finch might be the all time best and most memorable name of any fictional character ever created. And it’s just the best of many great character names in To Kill a Mockingbird: Scout (who some say resembles our eldest), Dill, Jem, Calpurnia. And who could forget Boo Radley, played, incidentally, by a young Robert Duvall. A few good quotes from the movie:
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. — Atticus Finch
If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. — Atticus Finch
Jean Louise. Jean Louise, stand up. Your father’s passing. — Reverend Sykes
I liked My Cousin Vinny, but as noted above, it might be pretty hard on delicate ears. Joe Pesci plays a NYC personal injury attorney who travels to Alabama to represent his young cousin and a friend when they are wrongly accused of murder. Joe Pesci in Alabama. Need I say more?
Okay, I’ll add that the stutterer is classic.
Thus concludes the Required Viewing list for Hillbilly Holiday, 2005.
Coming soon: Southern Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat While You’re Here. Hint: this tops the list. |
|
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
| A continuation of Hillbilly Holiday, 2005, Required Viewing, Part II of III. This one is Connections to Appalachia or Nearby Areas. I posted Part I, About Appalachia or Nearby Areas a couple of days ago. The Required Listening post is here.
Note: Video Detective, the source of most of the trailers I linked to in this post and the earlier Required Viewing post, doesn’t seem to be working right. I’ll give them a little bitty while, and if it’s not fixed, I’ll link to somewhere else. |
| Connections to Appalachia or Nearby Areas |
| October Sky |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| Last of the Mohicans |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Christian Spotlight on the Movies Review |
| The Fugitive |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| Patch Adams |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| Ernest [goes to (fill in the blank)] |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available |
| October Sky is set in Coalwood, West Virginia, about three hours from the Tri-Cities, and was filmed in and around East Tennessee, primarily in Knoxville and The Secret City. The school scenes were shot at Knoxville’s Gresham Middle School and Fountain City Elementary School. Much of the rest of the movie was filmed in Oliver Springs and Petros. The latter town apparently has nothing to do with another East Tennessee favorite — Petro’s, a chili and chips franchise. But I digress.
Incidentally, Homer Hickman, who titled the book Rocket Boys (upon which the movie is based), wanted the film to also be named Rocket Boys. October Sky is an anagram of “Rocket Boys.”
The Last of the Mohicans, The Fugitive, and Patch Adams were all shot in and around Asheville, North Carolina, just a little over an hour from the Tri-Cities. Patch Adams is just one of many films to make use of the stunning Biltmore Estate. The Fugitive and The Last of the Mohicans featured the beautiful mountain scenery in and around Asheville. Although the waterfall scene in The Last of the Mohicans was filmed in an Asheville studio, many of the most dramatic scenes of the movie, including the last 17 minutes, were filmed along Cliff Trail above Hickory Nut Falls in Chimney Rock Park.
Jim Varney, aka Ernest P. Worrell, lived in White House, Tennessee, just north of Nashville. A little-known fact: Varney was doing Shakespeare in professional theater at the age of 16. Talk about theatrical diversity. There are no two opposites more polar than Shakespeare and Ernest P. Worrell. Know whatta mean? Also, note that Varney’s attorney was named Hoot Gibson. Now that’s country.
Required Viewing, Part III — About the South — coming soon. |
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
| Four weeks and counting to Hillbilly Holiday, 2005. Following up on the Required Listening post, here is a list of Required Viewing. Just a little something to get you in the proper state of mind before traveling to the State of Tennessee.
In most cases, clicking on the name of a movie will bring up a trailer. If the trailer is slow or jumpy, try selecting a slower connection. Where I could find no trailer, I linked to the official site of the show or some other pertinent information. In the other two columns, I linked to the Amazon page for the show and to a content review — Screen It, if available, and Christian Spotlight on the Movies, as an alternate.
I’ve grouped the shows into three categories: (1) About Appalachia (pronounced Appalatcha) or Nearby Areas; (2) Connections to Appalachia or Nearby Areas; and (3) About the South.
Here’s the first: |
| About Appalachia or Nearby Areas |
| Christy |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available |
| Hee Haw |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available |
| Foxfire |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available (but it’s a Hallmark movie, for whatever that’s worth) |
| Songcatcher |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Screen It Content Info |
| The Education of Little Tree |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
Christian Spotlight on the Movies Review |
| The Andy Griffith Show |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available (but it’s Mayberry!) |
| Walking Tall |
Amazon Info and Reviews |
No Content Review Available for Original Version |
| The CBS television show Christy, was based on the true story of Leonora Whitaker, who left her home in Asheville, North Carolina (a little over an hour from the Tri-Cities), to teach in a place called Chapel Hollow, Tennessee (known in the show as Cutter Gap), near Del Rio, Tennessee. See the real “Cutter Gap” here (scroll down). The show was taped in Townsend, Tennessee, and Mike Hickman, who played Bird’s Eye Taylor in the CBS show, the musical, and the latest t.v. version of the show on PAX, apparently still lives there.
Hee Haw is, well, Hee Haw. Don’t miss Archie Campbell’s backwards fairy tales (Rindercella, Beeping Sleauty, and Pee Little Thrigs), Grandpa Jones’ The Banjo Am For Me, or anything that makes it out of the mouth of Junior Samples. Good stuff. Apparently, Junior now drives a Lincoln Continental. He uses it to pull his bass boat.
I have not seen Foxfire, but it gets good marks from the Amazon reviewers. Jessica Tandy plays a proud Appalachian widow trying to decide “whether to hold on to what she’s always known or follow her heart to the other side of the mountain.” Hume Cronyn plays her crotchety dead husband.
Songcatcher was an odd movie. Here’s the blurb:
Musicologist Dr. Lily Penleric has a deep love of English folk ballads. After a humiliating failure to make full professor, she heads off to visit her sister’s tiny school in rural Appalachia and finds herself in folk music central. Lily is entranced, but the locals are suspicious of the outlander’s motivations. Issues of tolerance, clashing cultures, and Big Bad Men abound, but Songcatcher wisely focuses on the music.
I didn’t understand the need for the somewhat-more-graphic-than-PG-13 love affair between the lead’s sister and the older lady at the school, and the characters were complex (meaning they were sometimes likable, and sometimes despicable). But I enjoyed the scenery and the music, and the movie certainly had its moments. If you’re coming to East Tennessee, you just about have to watch any movie that features both a clogging scene and a scene where a mountain woman brings a shotgun to church and uses it.
I also have not seen The Education of Little Tree, but it comes highly recommended. Here’s the blurb:
In 1935, an 8-year-old orphaned boy is sent to live in the Tennessee mountains with his grandparents. He doesn’t yet know that he is half Cherokee, on his grandmother’s side. As he learns about life and the Cherokee “way” from his grandparents, Little Tree’s sensitivity to nature and to others grows.
Read the review linked below for more.
The Andy Griffith Show, set in the fictional town of Mayberry, is reportedly based on Andy Griffith’s real-life home town of Mt. Airy, North Carolina, just a few hours from the Tri-Cities. Dixie Barbeque (”Horrifying vegetarians since 1984!”) here in Johnson City plays all-Andy, all the time on its little t.v.
I have not seen Walking Tall, but it’s a true story about the sheriff of McNairy County, Tennessee, which is just south of Jackson. I hear the movie is pretty violent, but you almost have to watch a movie about a guy named Buford Pusser.
Part II, Connections with Appalachia or Nearby Areas coming soon.
|
|
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
| Six weeks and counting to Hillbilly Holiday, 2005, and as promised, I have compiled a list of songs constituting Required Listening consistent with the theme.The following songs best represent, in my opinion, all that is good about East Tennessee, Tennessee, the South, and the “country.” Because Bristol, Tennessee/Virginia is the Birthplace of Country Music, it just seems proper to focus on country music and its tendency toward healthy portions of self-deprecating humor, a love for family, simple pleasures, and the simple life, and an affinity for integrating God into casual, every day conversation. And that is as it should be.You’re going to need iTunes to make some of the following links work. If you don’t already have it, click on the graphic below and install the thing. It’s free. |
 |
| I. Signature Song |
| In East Tennessee any discussion of music both begins and ends with Rocky Top. The song originated with The Osborne Brothers, but it has become much more than just a bluegrass hit. It’s one of five official state songs, but it’s probably best known as the unofficial fight song of the University of Tennessee. During one telecast of a UT football game last year, the announcers said that the average number of times the song is played during a football game is something like 220. Consequently, it’s one of the most hated songs in the Southeastern Conference. And we like it that way. |
| Rocky Top |
The Osborne Brothers |
Lyrics |
| Rocky Top |
The Pride of the Southland Marching Band |
No Lyrics |
| II. Self-Deprecating Southern Pride and Other Humor |
| A. Country and Proud of It |
| These five songs capture the pride, charm, and self-deprecating humor of the South, where “everybody knows everybody” and where folks are proud of their coonskin cap wearing neighbors. Where a love triangle just might involve a pistol-packin farm girl who strays from her man and hooks up with a dude named Earl who rebuilds engines for a living — a “Charlie Daniels of the torque wrench” — only to be lured back to her man by the promise of onion rings and t.v. Where the family’s claim to fame is ownership of an Elvis t.v. tray and a penchant for going “hog wild over beans and barbecue.” Where the grease monkey who caught the record small mouth out on Kentucky lake is “one of the most famous people in the country.” And where A&P-workin’, baby blue AMC-drivin’, yard-mowin’, stamp-collectin’, canasta-playin’ Barney Jekyll metamorphasizes into a honky-tonkin’ Bubba Hyde. |
| I’m from the Country |
Tracy Byrd |
Lyrics |
| Queen of My Double Wide Trailer |
Sammy Kershaw |
Lyrics |
| Lifestyles of the Not so Rich and Famous |
Tracy Byrd |
Lyrics |
| Famous People |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Bubba Hyde |
Diamond Rio |
Lyrics |
| B. Punchlines |
| The next seven songs are basically jokes put to music. I won’t ruin them by giving anything away. I will say, though, that Two Feet of Topsoil, in addition to being funny, also qualifies as a nice geology lesson. Now that’s low! |
| I’m Gonna Miss Her |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| All You Really Need is Love |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Me Neither |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Drink, Swear, Steal & Lie |
Michael Peterson |
Lyrics |
| Two Feet of Topsoil |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| She’s Got the Rhythm |
Alan Jackson |
Lyrics |
| Did I Shave My Legs for This? |
Deana Carter |
Lyrics |
| C. Just Plain Funny |
The next five songs are not really jokes, just funny. It Never Woulda Worked Out Anyway is basically a guy telling the girl he likes not to fret about all of the lies he’s telling other guys about her because she’s not meant to be with any of them anyway. You can guess the theme of Mr. Mom. There’s a snippet of the video for the song on Lonestar’s site, if you want to check it out. Notice that the dog is sporting a band-aid.Is it Still Over is home to the best line in country music:
Is it still over?
Are we still through?
Since my phone still ain’t ringin’
I’ll assume it still ain’t you
Brad Paisley’s faith is tested by a long-winded preacher in Long Sermon. Lyle Lovett takes a more proactive approach to the same problem in Church. |
| It Never Woulda Worked Out Anyway |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Mr. Mom |
Lonestar |
Lyrics |
| Is it Still Over? |
Randy Travis |
Lyrics |
| Long Sermon |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Church |
Lyle Lovett |
Lyrics |
| III. Life, Love, Family, and Other Simple Pleasures |
| Life’s all about love, family, and other simple pleasures. It’s about mowing your lawn, eating eggs and biscuits, and watching kids enjoying being kids. It’s about the unconditional love of a parent or spouse. It’s about expressing your love for another in familiar terms, comparing it to the depth of a holler, the strength of a river, the height of a pine tree, or the song of a whippoorwill. It’s about proclaiming your love for another in front of the entire town (as Billy Bob does for Charlene in John Deere Green by vandalizing the local water tower). It’s about marrying the girl you’ve always loved. And it’s about going through life expecting to get a bit of dirt on you and deciding to enjoy the process anyway. |
| Ain’t Nothin’ Like |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Love Without End, Amen |
George Strait |
Lyrics |
| Deeper Than the Holler |
Randy Travis |
Lyrics |
| Make a Mistake, Part I, Part II |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Little Moments |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Mud on the Tires |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| John Deere Green |
Joe Diffie |
Lyrics |
| Rebecca Lynn |
Bryan White |
Lyrics |
| IV. Just Plain Fun |
| These songs don’t really fit into another category. They’re just fun. |
| The Devil Went Down to Georgia |
The Charlie Daniels Band |
Lyrics |
| I Wanna Talk About Me |
Toby Keith |
Lyrics |
| Sold (The Grundy County Auction) |
John Michael Montgomery |
Lyrics |
| V. Faith |
| Religion is heavily integrated into Southern culture. We still pray at football games, mostly because we want to and largely because nobody objects. It sure is nice to live in a place where people don’t run to their lawyer whenever they hear the name of Jesus.The following songs are not found on religious albums — they are all included on mainstream, secular albums along with the radio hits. And, at least in country music, they don’t seem out of place. |
| The Old Rugged Cross |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Farther Along |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| Go Rest High on that Mountain |
Vince Gill |
Lyrics |
| In the Garden |
Brad Paisley |
Lyrics |
| VI. Signature Song |
| As I said, in East Tennessee any discussion of music both begins and ends with Rocky Top. Okay, then. |
| Rocky Top |
The Osborne Brothers |
Lyrics |
| Rocky Top |
The Pride of the Southland Marching Band |
No Lyrics |
- A Southern-Marinated Vacation, Part I
- A Southern Marinated Vacation, Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Listening
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing, Part I
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part II
- Hillbilly Holiday, Required Viewing Part III
- Hillbilly Holiday, Stuff You Absolutely Must Eat When Visiting East Tennessee
- Hillbilly Holiday, Y’allbonics and Other Southern Sayings
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 1 and 2
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 3 and 4
- Hillbilly Holiday, Days 5 and 6
Comments
Working on a fairly long and complex (HTML-wise) post: Required Listening for Hillbilly Holiday, 2005.
So chill.
And have some ‘possum. (Netnanny alert! One instance of minor vulgarity!)
Comments
Freaktoe’s teacher just called. Her school is canceling classes tomorrow. Why?
NASCAR.
The Sharpie Professional 250 was supposed to be run today, but was postponed due to heavy rain. They’re running Monday morning instead.
And no, they’re not canceling school so the kids can take a field trip to the racetrack. It’s all about the traffic. Bristol, Tennessee has a population of about 25,000. Bristol Motor Speedway has a seating capacity of 160,000, and the race is sold out.
Do the math.
But don’t go to school.
Comments
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